Consumption
by OneManShow
Summary: Control: To hold in check. Out of control: No longer possible to manage. Hungry: Feeling or displaying the need for food. Starvation: A state of extreme hunger resulting from lack of essential nutrients.
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note:**__ I first considered writing this story in the view of a girl, but then I realized all my girl characters are Mary-Sue's. Besides, I want to break the stereotype that this is only for girls. Anyways, I feel like making a good old fashion story about dear Ponyboy. :B Ehem. I know I always start stories and either end up deleting them or not finishing, but I'll really try. Hahah. Anyways, sorry for the crappy summary, but it was pretty much the best I could come up with at the time. Anyways, here we go._

**Disclaimer: I do not own ****The Outsiders**** or any of the characters and such. I just like it a whole helluva lot! **

When Johnny and Dally died, at first I felt completely hopeless. At a couple of times I even wondered if their deaths were my fault. But I know it's not. It wasn't really anyone's "fault" unless you count the beer. I guess that was the main thing to blame. Sure, Bob could have chose to not drink it, but really, once your start I suppose you can't really stop. So I knew that their blood wasn't on my hands. That didn't change the fact that after everything, I felt so out of control.

Out of control. Everything was hazy. I felt out of step, like I was trying to dance the mamba and I only knew the tango. I wanted to take control back. I wanted it so badly. I _needed_ it so badly. And I couldn't think of any other way.

"Ponyboy! Hurry up!" I jumped as Darry's hard voice rang in my ears.

"Just a second," I said, grabbing my backpack and heading out the door. I jumped in the truck beside him, and then Soda slid in beside me.

"Did you have time to eat anything?" Soda asked, still licking his fingers. It was beyond me how Soda could make a mess when all there was for breakfast was eggs, but go figure.

I shook my head, "Naw, but that's okay. I ain't really hungry anyways." I don't know why I said that. My stomach was rumbling so loud I was sure they could hear it. But Soda shrugged, taking my word as if it were set in stone.

Wheeling out of the driveway, we bounded down the nearly crowded roads until we arrived at school. Darry practically shoved me out of the car in impatience. I waved a hasty goodbye and started into the bustling building.

I wasn't in the best mood throughout the day, so by lunchtime I was thankful that I finally got a break to breathe. School seemed to be suffocating me. I wasn't sure why, but my grades seemed to be dropping. Darry sure was mad about it.

I met up with Steve and Two-Bit and clambered into Two-Bit's car. We drove over to the DX where Steve immediately went to go get changed into his work uniform.

Two-Bit plopped down on the counter and shouted, "SOOOODAAA! I'M HUNGRY!" so loud that the few people who were in there stared over at us. I blushed and looked down. Two-Bit grinned and rubbed my head as Soda came out and shushed us.

"Glory Two-Bit, you trying to get me fired?" Soda scolded, but he couldn't erase the silly grin that was spread across his face.

"Maybe," Two-Bit shrugged with a smile equally as insane.

Soda tossed us each one of those prepackaged sandwiches and a coke. Two-Bit started chowing down on the sandwich while I contended myself with sipping the coke.

"Hold on a second guys, I was in the middle of doing something," Soda said, and disappeared into the back room as Steve came out.

"Hey Two-Bit, want my sandwich?" I asked.

"Sure. How come you don't want it?" Two-Bit asked, doing his signature eyebrow raise.

"Ate a big breakfast," I said.

Two-Bit shrugged and didn't think twice as he scarfed down the second sandwich.

"Pig," Steve muttered under his breath.

Two-Bit laughed, "Hey. Life's short. Eat good food while you can."

I rolled my eyes, "Doesn't mean you have to be a pig about it."

Steve's lips twitched into a small smile for a moment and Two-Bit bonked me on the head.

Soda came back out with his collar flipped up, and his hat pulled down. Two-Bit smiled so wide, I thought that maybe his lips would fall off of his face. "So who's the new broad?" He asked.

I looked at Soda in surprise. He hadn't mentioned a new girlfriend. But after his response I could understand why.

"Well, I mean. I'm not in a relationship, _per say_," he said, turning slightly pink.

Two-Bit's expression went from confused, to bemused, and then to pure ecstasy. His booming laughter filled the station, "You manwhore!" He kidded.

Soda joined in the jubilant laughter, "Just haven't found the right person to get back into…the swing of things with."

I smiled at Soda and he winked back at me. "So guys, how's school so far?" Soda asked, changing the subject.

Two-Bit shrugged, "I'll probably take the kid back and then leave. I'm gettin' too tired."

"And too old!" Steve laughed, ducking Two-Bit's swing.

Soda grinned, "Get outta here you hoods!" He said, shaking a fist at me and Two-Bit. We laughed and waved goodbye.

Two-Bit drove me back to school. I pulled out a cigarette and lit it up, taking a deep drag. Two-Bit slipped it out from my fingers and took a puff for himself before handing it back to me.

"Seeya later kid," Two-Bit said running a hand through his hair.

"Later," I replied, getting out of the car and heading off back toward my last class of the day.

When I got home I threw my stuff into my room and flopped down on the bed. I felt so tired. I didn't even realize that I was tired until I got home and sat down on my bed. But when I did, nothing could stop me from going to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: No, as much as I wish it were so, I do not own ****The Outsiders.**

"Wake up kiddo."

I groaned inwardly as a rough pair of hands was shaking me back and forth, "I'mawake," I said drowsily.

When I blinked my eyes open Darry's figure was hovering above me. "Glory, what time is it?"

"Five. You were sleeping when Soda and me got home. How long have you been sleeping?"

"Since I got home."

Darry put his hand over my forehead and I shook it off, "I ain't sick. I was just tired." Darry nodded slowly.

"Well, dinner's ready. Better get out there before Soda eats it all."

Something fell in the pit of my stomach. It felt like I was going down a rapid roller coaster.

"I'm just real tired. Can I go back to sleep?" Instant gratification.

"Without dinner?" Darry said, his face written with worry, "Are you sure?"

I nodded, "Yeah. If it's okay."

"Are you sure you ain't sick?"

"Yeah. Just tired."

"Alright. G'night," Darry said. He left and creaked the door shut.

Suddenly I didn't feel so tired anymore. I rolled over onto my side and shut my eyes. It felt like hours before I finally did fall back asleep.

I woke up around four in the morning. My body was unwilling to go back to sleep, so I got out of bed and got dressed. It felt weird, not sleeping in on a Saturday. I went out to the living room and noticed Steve asleep on the couch. It seemed like he'd been there almost every other night for a few weeks now. Not that it bothered me. I mean, if his dad kicked him out for being a "wise-ass" where else was he supposed to go? I walked over to the door quietly, slipping on my shoes and then out the door.

I lit up a cigarette, which was hard because my hands seemed uncooperative with what my brain was telling them to do. I did have a fleeting thought that maybe smoking on an empty stomach wouldn't be good, but it went out just as quickly as it went in. But then I remembered the time in the church when Johnny had told me that smoking without eating would be bad for me, and sure enough I got sick.

"Ow!" I said aloud, dropping my smoke and putting both hands to my head. I felt like someone had just rammed my head into a metal pole. I shook it off and picked up my cigarette. After I brushed some of the dirt off it was okay to smoke, so I did.

I wandered around for god knows how long, and somehow wound up at the park. My headache started to throb a little bit, but I ignored it and wandered over to the fountain. I sat down on the edge and ran my fingers through the water, making tiny ripples.

"Hmmm," I said to the air, "Johnny, I wish you were here."

A lonely pang shivered through my entire body and I looked down at my feet, toying with the hole in my shoe with my toe. I closed my eyes and just breathed. The only noise being that of my steady breathing and the air whistling through the trees.

I opened my eyes as a reflex when the smoke burned down to nip my fingers. I threw it into the fountain and watched it skim across the top.

That's when I started to cry.

After a few minutes when I regained my composure, I stood up and headed back home. The sun was now fully rested in its place in the sky.

I opened the door to my house and Soda hopped over to me and slung an arm across my shoulders, "Where yah been kiddo?"

"Park," I said, "What time is it?"

"Golly, nearly seven."

My jaw dropped. That would mean I'd have to been out for around three hours. It didn't seem nearly that long.

Darry rushed out, "Damnit Ponyboy! Sometimes it don't seem like I can take my eyes offa you for a minute. What's the matter with you?"

"Sorry. I went for a walk," I said quietly, feeling small.

"A walk?" Darry was red in the face, "A walk? Didn't it pop into your mind at one point to write a note to tell your brothers just where you'd be?"

"I didn't think that I'd be out long enough for you guys to be up," I defended lamely.

Darry shook his head, quiet for a moment. It seemed like he was getting ready to yell again, but he sighed and shook his head, "Breakfast is on the table."

My stomach did somersaults at the mention of food and my nose scrunched up. I wanted to decline, but the looks on their faces when my face responded to food made me freeze up and think. "Okay," I mumbled and went into the kitchen, where a single plate sat at the table, taunting me. I made sure I was completely alone before shoving the food into the garbage and shoving some random trash over it. I waited in the kitchen a little while longer before coming out.

"Feel any better?" Soda asked.

I nodded, "Sure do."

Soda grinned at me and threw a pillow at my face,

"Oof, thanks for that," I smiled, "Hey. Did Steve go home?"

"Steve?" Soda looked puzzled, "When was Steve here?"

"This morning when I woke up he was asleep on the couch," I shrugged.

Soda sighed, "Well. Guess he did."

I shrugged my shoulders again, trying to think of something to ease the awkward silence. I wished Two-Bit was there. He was good at that, whether it was subtly or not so much.  
Soda messed up my hair and then shot me one of his famous grins. I couldn't help but laugh a little and then shove him aside.

"Weirdo," I said.

Darry shook his head from his big chair, "You're both insane."

"Runs in the family," Soda shot back, patting Darry's head, but retracting his hand before Darry could break it.

Darry couldn't resist smiling, "One day Soda, one day…"

"One day what?" Soda tested.

"One day you're gonna be sorry."

"I'm already very sorry," Soda tried to look resentful, "Sorry I have to look at your FACE!"

"Wow Soda," said an unexpected voice, "Niiiice comeback."

For a moment I thought it was Dally, but when I turned around it was Two-Bit. He waved to us and Soda laughed.

"Hey Two-Bit," Darry said without any expression.

"Hey Superman."

Darry looked over at me, "Hey Ponyboy, when does track start up again?"

I scrunched up my nose in thought, "Tuesday."

Darry nodded.

"Shoot, what is it with this family and sports?" Two-Bit asked.

"I don't do sports," Soda said with a shrug.

"Only 'cause you're too scrawny," Two-Bit said with a smirk.

Soda's eyes flashed with danger and in just a split second he and Two-Bit were wrestling around on the floor.

"God Almighty," Darry said, shaking his head. He rose up from the chair and strode over to the two. He smiled and pulled on the back of Soda's shirt, lifting him about a foot in the air.

"Eep!" Soda squealed, "Put me down!"

Darry shrugged, no trace of any humor on his face, and dropped Soda on top of Two-Bit.

"OW!" They said in unison.

I started cracking up. Soda sat up and stuck his tongue out at me.

"Let's do something," Two-Bit said, somehow finding no reason to move from the laidback position he was in. "Lets go see a movie."

"Okay," Soda said, jumping up and heading to the door, "C'mon!"

**A/N: I'm not a big fan of this chapter. D: I'm not sure why, but I felt like I needed to wrap it up. It was getting way too long. Sorry for all the needless text. But I have some ideas now, so it should be getting better. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. Stop rubbing it into my face. D: **

As soon as we stepped foot into the movie house Two-Bit charged over to the concession stand. I started chuckling as he demanded a coke, a large popcorn, and three different kinds of candy from the confused looking worker. Soda grabbed a handful of the popcorn and we went to go get seats.

When the lights dimmed and pictures appeared on the screen, Two-Bit and Soda started messing around. Throwing popcorn and candy at each other. Unfortunately I sat in the middle of all of this, and when Two-Bit "pretended" to almost throw his coke on Soda, it slipped and spilt on top of my head.

I let out a loud curse word and socked Two-Bit on the arm, "Gosh dangit Two-Bit, I'm all wet."

"Oops," Two-Bit said, trying his best to subside his laughter. Soda too, had a grin spread across his face.

"Hey you kids! Shut up!" A voice said. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but his voice was rough and gritty, like sandpaper.

Two-Bit whirled around and faced him, "Sorry, sir. We're just enjoying the movie very much. Maybe you should pay more attention."

I sighed, of course Two-Bit just had to start something.

Standing, the guy was about six foot four with broad shoulders and muscles rippling through his tight shirt. He reminded me of a less handsome version of Darry. He had a scar through his eyebrow and no hair.

Two-Bit yelped as he reached out and grabbed the front of his shirt. Before anyone could blink he started throttling Two-Bit. Soda tried slugging him a few times to make him let go, and Two-Bit's legs were flailing around in resistance. But every move thrown seemed to be deflected.

I scanned the scene and for once thought that Darry would be proud of me for _not _using my head. I jumped up and grabbed the guy around his neck and squeezed, imitating his move on Two-Bit. It was hard, considering neck was quite wide. By this time people were shouting at us to take it outside.

He let go of Two-Bit, and before I could celebrate my victory, he reached behind and grabbed me. It didn't take much to pull me off. He threw me down and punched me. I saw a couple of blotchy spots, and for a moment wondered vaguely why there was a disco ball in a movie theater.

Soda pulled me up off the ground, "C'mon kiddo," he said, leading me outside.

"Hmm," I mumbled, "What happened to the big guy?"

"Got kicked out," Two-Bit laughed, "Actually, we did too, but that's beside the point."

"Glory," Soda said, sitting me down on the bench, "You got quite the shiner there Ponyboy."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Two-Bit agreed, "Looks like you got hit by a bus."

"Lets go home and get you cleaned up," Soda said.

I don't remember much of the walk home except that the only person that was talking was Two-Bit. He was rambling on about one thing or another.

"And then," he said, laughing in between words, "And then he says 'Hey! Get offa my sister!'"

When we got home Soda gave me a gentle push onto the couch, but I rose impatiently and strode into the bathroom. I studied myself in the mirror. My entire left eye was a big black mess and there was a bruise on my cheek as well as a cut on my eyebrow. I hoped I wouldn't have a scar there like the big guy did.

Soda cleaned up my battle scars and then started laughing, "I still can't believe you jumped on him like that. Man, oh man Ponyboy, I just can't believe you sometimes." He ruffled my hair, "Your hair's all sticky."

"Well, _somebody_ dumped their coke all over me," I said, glaring at Two-Bit.

Two-Bit merely shrugged in response, "You'll survive."

I gave Two-Bit a not-so-friendly gesture and all he did was laugh. "Aww, our little Ponyboy is growing up and learning how to insult people!"

"Shut up," I said, but had a hard time keeping a straight face. It was funny how Two-Bit could make fun of you and all you'd be able to do was laugh. "I'm going to go take a shower and get all this coke out of my hair."

And with that, I got up and went into the bathroom.

After I finished my shower I felt so much better. I came out of the bathroom and Two-Bit was stretched out on the couch, watching TV, but it wasn't his usual Mickey Mouse. I don't remember what it was.

"Where's Soda?" I asked, looping a belt through my jeans.

"In the kitchen, making lunch."

"Oh," I replied, my smile falling.

"What's wrong?" Two-Bit asked, not taking his eyes off the TV.

I didn't respond verbally, just shrugged. I then pushed at Two-Bit's feet, trying to make room for myself on the couch. When he didn't budge I curled up in the huge armchair.

Soda then came out of the kitchen, his face smeared with chocolate.

"That's what you made for lunch?" Two-Bit asked, ripping his eyes away from the TV, "Chocolate cake?"

"Sure, why not?" Soda said.

Two-Bit stared at him in disbelief before getting up and walking into the kitchen, "Sure, works for me."

Soda laughed and then poked me on the forehead, "You hungry?"

"Naw."

Soda's forehead crinkled with concern, "Seems like you ain't been eating a lot lately. How come?"

"Sure I'm eating, I just eat later than you and Darry. And how come? Dunno. I just don't get real hungry until later, I guess."

"'Kay," Soda smiled, licking the sides of his lips.

"You missed some," I said, pointing to a big splotch of chocolate on his lower lip.

"Hey Soda?" I said suddenly when I knew that Two-Bit would be submerged in the chocolate-caked kitchen for a while.

"Yeah?"

"Do you miss Johnny and Dally a lot?"

The concerned look reappeared on his face, "Sure I do. Why do you ask that?"

I shrugged, "I dunno. I guess I just miss 'em a whole lot."

Soda nodded, "We all do."

"What do we all do?" Two-Bit asked, coming into the room, his messy face able to give Soda's a run for its money.

"We all think that you should get a job," I said with a smirk.

"Boy howdy, you do get mouthier every day," Two-Bit said, cocking an eyebrow up at me, "One day it'll come back and bite you in the rear."

"Hey Soda, have you seen Steve lately?" Two-Bit asked, quickly changing subjects.

Soda shrugged, "At work a couple days ago. He said he's been keeping busy. How come?"

"Heard Evie broke up with him. I don't understand, but for some reason he's got a big attachment to this broad. I can't ever imagine just being with one girl, but whatever floats his boat. Anyways, just wanted to see how he was taking it."

The look on Soda's face told me that Steve hadn't said anything about it, and that he was now worried about his best friend. Even after everything with Dally and Johnny Steve and me hadn't become best friends. But it was better than before. We weren't fighting a secret war. We could finally be in the same room with each other without wanting to bash each other's heads in.

"I see him tomorrow," Soda said, "We're both working double shift. I'll talk to him then."

"You're working on a Sunday? Bummer," Two-Bit said.

"No kiddin'."

There was a silence that had seemed to be within the house for a while now, even when people were talking. It didn't seem to be quite bubbly as before. But this was the worst silence yet. It was the silence you got when everyone knew there was something wrong, but no one wanted to be the one to say anything about it first.

"Two-Bit," Soda said, "Mickey's on."


	4. Chapter 4

I had been feeling bad for quite a while, but I finally went back to the movies by myself. I saw this beautiful, red-head girl. She came up to me and let me cry on her shoulder. I suddenly felt better and could live without Johnny and Dally.

The End

…

…..

….

…

Just kidding. :B Here's the real thing.

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. Go away.**

Of course when Darry got home he threw a fit. But he couldn't fool me. I could see the glint of pride in his eye when Soda told him the whole story. And he seemed to settle down after I cried "self-defense."

"Last time it was 'self-defense' three people died."

That startled me. At first I thought that the voice had just been in my head but when I turned around I saw Steve stretched out on the couch. Where had he come from? I hadn't even realized he came in.

"What do you mean?" Two-Bit asked what I was thinking.

Steve shrugged, sitting upright, "I mean last time Johnny killed out of self-defense. And in the end him, Dally, and the Soc he killed were all dead."

I stuffed my hands in my pockets to try and keep them from shaking. Consequently, the whole rest of my body started shaking instead.

Soda put a steady on my shoulder while he looked to Steve, "Why'd you have to bring that up?"

Another shrug, "Just a simple comparison."

"Well, no one's dying this time, okay?" I could barely keep my voice under control. I felt like screaming and whispering at the same time.

"Easy Ponyboy," Darry said, "No one said that was gonna happen."

I looked intensely at Steve and shook my head, "You're wrong. You're dead wrong."

I wasn't quite sure what I meant, even now, but I felt like crying. So to save myself from even more embarrassment I backed into my room and shut the door.

Why did everyone have to remember that? Why? I just wanted to forget. I needed to be back in control. Control.

"What's the matter with you Steve?" I could hear Darry say from the other room.

"Nothin'," Steve replied smartly.

"Kid's still not over it. Not that he ever will be. But he's still real sensitive about it."

"We all are. Maybe he should toughen up."

"Yeah," I said to myself, "Maybe I should."

I really didn't want to go to school the next morning. I really didn't want to wake up at all. And I really didn't want Soda and Darry telling me that Steve didn't mean it, or he was just upset about his breakup with Evie. I didn't care. What he said was true. No matter how much I didn't want to remember.

So my solution; I woke up early. I just barely remembered to scribble a note to Darry and then I walked to school. I walked down two streets before I doubled back. I had forgotten my backpack.

Finally I arrived at school. And though I left early I was still late to my first class.

During lunch I headed to the library. I didn't really want to be around anyone, just to get lost in a book. Lost in the thoughts of someone else.

While walking down the hallway I saw my track coach. He stopped to talk with me.

"Hey Curtis, tryouts tomorrow. You ready?"

I shrugged, "Guess so." To be honest I had nearly forgotten about tryouts.

"Better be," he said, studying me, "Randal's trying out."

Josh Randal was on the soccer team. I suppose you have to be pretty fast for that. But I wasn't too worried. Even if he made the track team, it didn't mean that I wouldn't. Even if he was better than me, it wouldn't mean that I wasn't good. It really all didn't matter. I'd never felt so much uncaring towards track. But right then I knew; it was just a game.

"Between you and me I think he's a pushover," Coach gave me a wink.

"Um, yeah," I muttered lamely.

Coach nodded," "See you out there tomorrow."

As soon as he left I finished my journey to the library. I didn't want any more distractions.

I roamed the short shelves looking for something familiar. I ended up choosing Great Expectations, which I had read for English at one point. I sat down in one of the hard, plastic chairs that lined the room and started to read.

When the first bell rang to warn us class was starting soon, I ignored it. I was entrapped by the book. When the final bell rang I looked up at the clock uneasily. I'd never skipped class before. I scorned people who thought they were too good for class. But this was different. I just didn't want to go. I'd go tomorrow. I had days and days of school to make up for it. For this once, it would be okay.

After school I stayed in the library. I was there until the librarian tapped me on the shoulder and told me they had to get everyone out. I looked around and "everyone" seemed to be me, a kid working on some sort of research project and a couple "studying" which consisted of kissing every couple of seconds. The librarian clicked her tongue at them and then let me know that I could check the book out. I smiled and declined. After all, I knew how it ended.

**Author's Note: Sorry the update time was a while. I just got a new computer, so I couldn't write it or get anywhere to upload it even if I had it written, so yeah. Okay, the story's finally rolling into motion. I know, I know, lots of background. But I'm really trying not to rush. That always seems to be the problem when I write. I rush. So I'm taking my time. Quality. Heehee. Anyways, thanks for reading! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Woah! It's been a long while, hasn't it? I'm really and truly sorry. X.x; Summer's here and –blabs on with excuses that you don't care about- So anyways. Here we go. **

**Disclaimer: No. I don't own anything. The only thing I own is….Your mom.**

After I was thrown out of the library I didn't really have any place to go, so I figured I might as well go home. It was a relatively peaceful walk; no one seemed to be out on the streets. It was kind of eerie. Like in one of those horror movies where you think everything's peaceful, but everyone's just dead and you're the last one on earth, or something.

When I got home the first thing I did was take a whole bunch of aspirin. My head was pounding something awful. I felt a little dizzy, too, but I didn't think too much of it. I threw my backpack into my room and then sat on the couch. I closed my eyes for a few moments, to clear my head. Once the pounding turned into a dull throbbing, I opened my eyes, and then let out a yelp.

There was Two-Bit, grinning down at me about three inches away from my face. He started laughing and I shook my head. "Golly you scared me," I said.

"I noticed," he said, still smirking.

I reached over and shoved him lightly. He smiled and hopped over the couch to sit down next to me. He ruffled up my hair.

I sighed, "Is it antagonize Ponyboy day today?"

"No, but that's a good idea. I'll call the calendar people to set it up."

"The calendar people?"

"Yeah. The ones who make up the holidays and stuff and stick 'em on the calendars."

I laughed, but didn't correct him. It would take too much effort to. I'd just let him pretend he knew what he was saying. That was the best plan.

"So what are you doing today?" Two-Bit asked, cocking his head to the side.

"Nothing," I said, "What about you?"

"I dunno. I'm just real bored. Wanna hunt some action or something." Two-Bit sighed.

I shrugged, "It's a school night."

"No kiddin'. Darry's awful strict with you and school. Seems like even more than usual these days, don't it?"

I didn't say anything. This was a dumb topic. Who cared about how strict Darry was? If I wanted to go out, then I would. What would he do? He wasn't even home yet.

"What'd you have in mind to do?" I asked.

Two-Bit shrugged, "Oh hell, I don't know. Let's just walk somewhere."

I shook my head, but got up and followed him to the door. We started walking around and once we got halfway to nowhere, started walking back. But it wasn't boring. I had a good time. You can't really be around Two-Bit and not have a good time. Kind of like Soda. He just makes you laugh.

When we got home I could smell the food as soon as I stepped into the door. Chicken and cake and carrots. The things that used to make my stomach sink with hunger now made it churn with sickness, almost like I was about to vomit. My previous headache came back and I stepped into the bathroom to take some more aspirin.

Soda came up behind me and picked me up, swinging me around. "PONYBOY!" He yelled.

"Oof!" I cried out as he then dropped me back on my feet, "Thanks for that, Soda."

He laughed and went back into the kitchen.

Darry suddenly seemed to appear out of nowhere, and I felt like the room was closing in on me. I put my hand out and touched the wall, like I was checking to make sure it wasn't going to move anymore.

"You okay?" Darry asked.

"Yeah," I said, grinning, "Small headache, but I think I'll live."

Darry grinned back at me, "Alright."

I waved, "I have a lot of homework so I'm gonna get started on that," I lied.

Darry nodded, "Sure thing."

I went into my room and brought out my math work. I did have a little homework, but I couldn't concentrate. So I ended up scribbling little designs in the margins instead. Sure, that'd definitely get me an A. Especially the doodle of a horse. Right.

Time flies by when you're having fun. I liked drawing, so even when I was just doodling in the margins of my would-be math assignment I was pretty amused. Soon Soda came in and plopped down next to me in bed.

"Done with your homework?" He asked, trying to peer over my shoulder.

I shoved it hastily back into my backpack, "Yeah. Going to bed?"

"Yeah. You should, too," he said, climbing under the covers.

I nodded and did as instructed. I flipped off the lamp and the roomed sunk into darkness.

Soda rolled over to face me, "I feel like I don't see you as often. It's a weird feeling."

I grinned, "I see you every day Soda!"

"Yeah, but not a lot. You're always in here drawing or doing something."

"Hmm. I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"Night Soda."

"G'night kiddo."

I won't go into details about my school day the next day, because it was just a boring school day. What happened was afterwards. During track tryouts.

It wasn't so much the tryouts that were interesting as it was how I did. I was horrible. I was slow and pokey and finished last when we raced. Not to mention my head was hurting and my body was aching and smarting and I felt like I was going to die. Coach was going to make us do three more laps and I started to walk away.

"Curtis! Where do you think you're going?" He said, taking a few long strides over to me.

"I'm out Coach," I said, "There's no way I can do another lap."

He lowered his voice, "You okay? I mean, you just-"

"Just did real bad. I know. I'm sorry. I just…I just can't do it." I almost felt like crying. I couldn't do track. It was like saying I couldn't ever walk again.

Just like Johnny. If he'd survived.

A shot of pain ran down my entire body and I closed my eyes, "But I need to sit down."

That's the last thing I remember before waking up in the school nurses' office.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: BOO! I scared you. ****Ehem**** I don't own The Outsiders. I make no profit out of it. I am merely writing for entertainment purposes because I have no life. **

"Oh good! You're awake. You gave us a right good scare there, Mr. Curtis."

"What's going on?" I had to blink a few times before my eyes adjusted to the light surrounding me. I was laying on one of the firm, green mattresses that lined the nurse's office.

"You passed out on the track field," the nurse said, looking at me. "We've called your eldest brother, Darrel. He's on his way to pick you up."

I felt like I was going to be sick all over again. What was Darry going to say? I wondered foolishly if he'd be mad at me because I couldn't do track.

"Do you know why you were so tired?" The nurse asked, breaking into my thoughts.

"No. I…I get enough sleep," I said.

She nodded, "What about eating habits? Did you eat breakfast and lunch today?"

"Sure," I lied, "Of course."

She studied my face as she nodded. Before she could open her mouth to ask me another question Darry was in the doorway.

"Hey kiddo," Darry said, looking at me.

"Hey Darry," I said with a small smile. He didn't look mad. He had sort of a sad smile on his face and his eyes were a little wider than usual.

"You okay?" He asked, walking over to me.

"Yeah. I guess I was just tired," I said foolishly.

The nurse looked at me with raised eyebrows, but remained silent as I grabbed my things and walked out the door.

Darry soon followed. We walked out to the parking lot and climbed into the truck.

"Ponyboy, I'm worried about you," Darry said once we hit the road.

Wow. He sure didn't waste any time. That was quite blunt for me.

"How come?" I asked.

"Because you fucking passed out!" He said angrily.

"I knew you'd be mad," I whispered.

"I ain't mad. I told you, I'm worried."

I remained silent. Worried. When he got worried he got mad. It was the same thing.

When we finally pulled into our driveway, I hopped out quickly, thankful to end the seemingly endless silence that dragged on in the truck. Darry skipped ahead of me and into the door. I followed him inside, but stopped when I was in the doorway.

Darry went into the kitchen and I settled myself on the couch. I was just about to relax when the door opened and shut loudly.

"Ponyboy Curtis!" A giddy person yelled. I looked over to the door and saw Two-Bit standing there. He came over and plopped down on the couch next to me.

"Glory you okay? I heard you passed out during track."

I felt my face go hot, "Yeah, I'm okay," I mumbled, feeling embarrassed.

Two-Bit messed up my hair with a big grin. I shook my head at him, trying to suppress a smile.

"Ponyboy, I made you some soup. Come on and get it," I heard Darry say from the kitchen.

My feet felt funny as I got up and went into the kitchen. I plopped down in a chair and Darry set the soup in front of me. Mushroom soup. My favorite.

The smell was enough to send me reeling, so I tried not to breathe through my nose too much. Darry looked at me, like he was waiting for something.

I took a spoonful of the soup. The spoon seemed heavy as I lifted it to my lips. I blew on it, taking my sweet time to make sure it was cool. I then put it in my mouth, now feeling like crying.

No more control.

Darry smiled and said, "I should go back to work, but I don't want to leave you."

I didn't want to swallow. If I could just spit it out, I'd be okay. I looked up at Darry, trying to think of something to do when Two-Bit responded for me.

"Don't worry Darry; I'll stay with the kid."

Darry sighed and waved to me before leaving.

As soon as I was sure he was gone I spit the soup back into the bowl. I got up and washed my mouth out with water, spitting it out into the sink. I then grabbed the bowl of soup and started to pour it down the sink.

"So what should we do while Darry's gone?" Two-Bit said, stepping into the kitchen. He gave me a funny look as he asked "What are you doing?"

I froze on the spot. I had the bowl in my hand, and was in mid-scoop-the-gross-soup-into-the-sink and Two-Bit saw it all.

"I just wasn't hungry," I defended lamely, wondering if he'd buy the same excuse.

"You ought to be hungry. You didn't eat nothing at lunch," Two-Bit said.

"Well, um," I said, racking my brain of other excuses, "I wasn't hungry then, either."

Two-Bit took a step forward. And then another one. And then another one. And then finally he'd reached me. He took a good look at my figure.

"Golly Ponyboy, you ain't been eating?"

"Of course I have!" I shouted.

"Then how come you were putting your soup down the sink?" Two-Bit asked.

"I just…I just…"

"Ain't eating," Two-Bit finished my sentence.

I paused, trying to think of something to say. But of course I had to blurt out, "You can't tell anyone. Not Darry, not Soda, not anyone!"

Two-Bit shook his head, "Ponyboy…"

"Shut up," I said. "Just shut up. Don't talk to me."

I started to walk out the door. The house suddenly got stuffy. But Two-Bit had me by the back of my shirt before I could even leave the kitchen.

"Let GO of me!" I screamed.

"Ponyboy! Just calm down!" Two-Bit said anxiously.

"Just leave me alone," I said.

"Look, you can't do this to yourself."

"I can do whatever I want," I insisted.

Two-Bit pulled me back, "Ponyboy, just…Just stay here, okay?" He went into the living room.

I peeked out at him. He picked up the phone.

"Who are you calling?" I asked, walking over to him.

"Soda."

"No you're not."

"Yes, I am," Two-Bit said.

I wanted to throw the phone across the room. But I didn't. I just stared at Two-Bit. And then I ran out the door.

"Ponyboy!" Two-Bit yelled after me.

I didn't respond, just kept running. Everything that happened whirled around me. Me passing out during track. Me passing out after Dally was shot. Feeling helpless.

I felt someone catch me, keeping me standing.

"Ponyboy?"

"Johnny?" I said, looking up.

"Hey Ponyboy!" The eager-to-please, puppy-dog-eyed, dark-greasy-haired boy looked at me.

"I thought you were dead," I said.

"Ponyboy listen," Johnny said, "You're spiraling out of control."

"No Johnny, I'm finally in control," I assured him.

"Out of control," Johnny sing-songed. Dally suddenly appeared beside him and joined in, "Out of control."

"No," I said, my eyes closing, "No. You're wrong."

"I don't wanna pass out again," I pleaded, "Please. No more darkness. Please."

Johnny came over to me and pushed me. I screamed and started falling through blackness.

"NO!" I screeched. I closed my eyes once more, trying to keep the darkness out.

"Hey! SOMEONE HELP! This kid just fell over! Someone call an ambulance!"

I groaned. I wished that voice would just shut up and leave me alone.

"Don't worry kid. An ambulance is on the way," the same voice said.

"Uhhh…" I groaned some more.

After a few minutes of being dazed I heard faint sirens. "I didn't do anything," I mumbled, "The police can't do anything."

No one responded. But soon the sirens were so close I thought my head would burst open. I was lifted up and was too tired to do anything about it except fall asleep in the rocking motion of the car.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. Stop hassling me or I'll tell my mom. D:**

At an all time low you don't think can get any worse. It can always get worse. Remember that. Because sometimes you forget. And once you forget, that's when it gets worse.

"Uhhhh," I groaned.

"He's waking up."

"You sure? He could be just mumbling."

"He sounds like he's waking up."

"Ponyboy?"

"Mmm, stop yelling," I said, "My head hurts too much."

I blinked. I saw a flash of faces around me. I blinked again.

"Hey Darry, Soda."

"Hey baby, how're you feeling?" Soda asked, playing with my hair.

"No too hot," I admitted, "Where are we?"

"The hospital, kiddo," Darry said.

"The hospital? How come? Someone sick?" I asked. I then frowned at the looks on their faces, "I'm sick? I ain't sick. I have a headache, but I fell down. I tripped. I'm okay." I rambled. I started to sit up. I wanted to get out of there. No one got better in hospitals, just worse. People died in hospitals.

"Easy Ponyboy," Darry said, shifting me back down into the bed, "Easy."

"What's going on?"

"Could ask you the same thing," Darry said, "What's going on with you? How come you haven't been eating?"

"I have so been eating," I said, "Two-Bit's lying."

Soda and Darry exchanged worried glances at each other. "Honey, the doctor said-"

"Doctor's are dumb," I snapped, cutting Soda off. "They don't help people."

"Please," Soda pleaded, "Please just take to us Pony. What's happening inside that head of yours?"

"A headache," I said stubbornly.

Soda sighed. He looked quite deflated. I hated to see him like that, but I wasn't going to admit anything.

Someone unfamiliar to me walked into the room. It was a stiff man, wearing a black bowler hat, plain black slacks, and a white button up shirt. His brown mustache was sweeping down over his lips, like he was trying to hide them. He didn't look anything like a doctor, though that's how he introduced himself.

"Hello. My name's Dr. Pyke," he said. His voice was as stiff as his posture. Darry stood up and shook his hand. I started unraveling a small string in the blanket that covered me.

"May I have a private word with you?" Dr. Pyke asked Darry. They both stepped out into the hall.

Soda placed his hand over mine, ruining my string game. We didn't say anything and it felt awkward. I usually would tell Soda everything. But for some reason every time I said to myself that I'd tell Soda how I felt, the words got mixed up in my throat and wouldn't come out of my mouth.

Darry and Dr. Pyke came back into the room. Darry made Soda go out of the room, which made me kind of mad. Even if I wasn't going to talk to Soda, I didn't want him to leave. And then Darry started walking to the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked, not wanting to be alone with Dr. Pyke. He made me uneasy.

"I'll come back," Darry assured me.

I nodded slowly, almost as if I didn't believe him.

He winked at me and closed the door behind him.

Dr. Pyke sat down in the chair that Soda had been and I wanted to tell him he couldn't sit there because it was my brother's chair, but I kept my mouth shut.

"Ponyboy," Dr. Pyke said, and clicked his tongue once before continuing, "You sure scared your brothers. I heard this hasn't been your first time passing out."

At first I thought he was going to talk about when I passed out when Dally died, but then I realized he mean when I passed out during track.

"What kind of doctor are you?" I blurted. I didn't understand what his question had to do with anything.

To my surprise, he smiled, "I'm a child psychiatrist."

"I'm not crazy," I said, trying to assure myself more than anything.

He shook his head, "I know that Ponyboy. I never thought you were. I just think you're…troubled."

Troubled. That was a word that people used to describe hoods most often. They just rob banks and steal cars because they're troubled.

"I'm not troubled either."

"No?" Dr. Pyke raised his eyebrows so they stretched to the limits of his face, "Well, gosh. I think I would be. I mean, if I had gone through everything you had. Losing two of your best friends so tragically. Not to mention already having lost your parents. Ponyboy, I think I'd be more worried if you weren't troubled."

I sure didn't have anything to say to that. What could I say? Of course I was broken up about all of it. That wasn't something that even I could deny.

Dr. Pyke smiled at my stunned expression, "Now then. I heard you get pretty good grades in school."

Man, this guy was crazy. First it seemed like he wanted to talk about what happened, and now he wanted to talk about school? Maybe he needed a shrink more than I did.

"Um, I guess," I said, "Well. Not really recently, I 'spose."

"Not recently, eh?" Dr. Pyke said.

"Yeah. I ain't been doing as good as I normally do in school. Darry's kinda mad about it," I said.

Dr. Pyke nodded, "Why don't you think you haven't been doing as well?"

"I dunno," I said, thinking slowly, "I mean, I'm trying. I'm really trying."

Another nod.

"I guess I've been kind of distracted lately."

"Oh? How so?"

This time I wasn't going to play. I just sat there. And then when he didn't say anything I said, "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Okay. You don't have to talk about it. Is there something you'd like to talk about?"

"Not really."

"Ponyboy, you know, I can't tell anyone anything you say in here unless you say it's okay. I could lose my job. It's called doctor-patient confidentiality. So if there's something you want to talk about, you can. I won't tell anyone."

"Really?" I asked, "You can't tell anyone?"

"Nope," he smiled.

"Well, uh," I stuttered.

"Go on," he urged.

"Before I passed out today, I thought I saw Johnny and Dally."

I was afraid he'd gasp like people usually do when I tell them my name for the first time. Or maybe shake his head and tell me I was so crazy there was nothing he could do for me. But he just nodded.

"Did they say anything?"

"They said I was out of control."

"What do you think they meant by that."

"I dunno," I lied, "Can we stop talking for right now?"

"Sure," he said, "I'll let your brothers come back in. And I think there's two other boys out there for you as well."

I nodded, "Bye."

He stood up, gave me a slight two-fingered wave, and whisked out the door.

**Author's Note: I think that was my record update time. D Aren't you proud of me? I almost felt like making this chapter longer, but decided against it. I'll leave you hanging for a little while. **

**Anyways, I'm leaving on vacation on the 26****th****. I'm not sure if I'll update by then or not. If I don't (which is probably the most likely. xD) I will be back in around four or five days. ****So I'll update in about two months. Just kidding. I'm so funny. Hah hah. I know. X.x**

**Oh man. Just for shits and giggles I have to tell you about how hard a time I had with Dr. Pyke****'****s name. It was like midnight and I get all loopy around that time. So first I wrote Dr. Frankenstein. And then it was Dr. Finker. And then I kept writing the song lyrics I was listening to. Finally I just cheated and looked online for a good name. And it came up with Pike. So yeah. But I had a good time laughing at myself. And now you can, too. Feel blessed!**


	8. Chapter 8

****

Disclaimer: I don't own The Outsiders. Blahblahblah. -says other disclaimery stuff-

"Hey Ponyboy!" A cheery voice cried out. Two-Bit skipped merrily over to my bedside with a wide grin. He rubbed my head, my hair flying in all directions. I wanted to pretend that I was mad at him, but I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"Cut it out!" I said, batting his hand away.

He smiled, but stopped. I saw Soda and Darry reappear behind him. And then when I turned my head to the doorway, I saw Steve standing there, leaning against the doorframe. His eyes were wide and he was looking straight back at me.

"Hey," he said quietly.

"Hey," I replied. I hadn't talked to Steve since he'd told me to toughen up.

"Sorry about, y'know," he said, shifting his foot on the ground.

"Sure," I accepted, "Forget it."

Soda was standing there, grinning like we'd just told each other "I love you" or something.

"Aww guys!" Soda cried out and me and Steve both shook our heads at him.

"Well, looks like we'd better be off," Two-Bit said, "We have a lovely picnic party to go to."

"What?" Darry sputtered out, "Are you serious?"

"Of course!" Two-Bit said, skipping out of the room the same way he came in.

Steve sighed, "I bet his mom dropped him on his head when he was a baby," and then he followed Two-Bit out.

Soda chuckled and then looked me over once. "So how'd it go with the therapist dude?"

I shrugged, "He was okay," I said, now feeling uncomfortable.

Darry nodded, "That's good, because you're going to be seeing him twice a week, savvy?"

I nodded without protest, which made Darry look a little surprised. I smiled at him and he grinned back.

"Love you kiddo," he said, touching my cheek, "Now get some rest."

I nodded, "Okay," and I closed my eyes, not feeling tired until I actually fell asleep.

The next couple of days I was in the hospital, Darry and Soda didn't leave. I began to worry about them losing their jobs, but they both told me to shut up and not worry about it. The hospital was starting to bore me. There was nothing to do and they kept sticking me with this little tube that I guess was liquid food. Which bothered me at first, but I'd gotten used to. It was better than when they made me drink this thing supposed to make you gain weight. It was the nastiest thing ever.

Me and Soda were in the middle of a card game when I busted, "I am so _sick_ of being here! When do I get to go home?"

Darry looked at me and sighed, "A couple more days Ponyboy. I told you."

I sighed, "I just wanna be home."

"I know," Darry said with a small smile, "Soon. I promise."

Soon couldn't seem to come soon enough, but when it did, I was more than glad to escape. When I got home I immediately turned the TV on. I didn't feel like watching it, but it was nice to have the usual noise.

****

Author's Note: I'm so sorry it's so short. D: I really tried, but that's all I could do for right now. Hahah. Anyways. Dude.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Outsiders. I am merely a bored human being, trying to pass the time. kthxbai.**

**Author's Note: Okay. I tried harder on this chapter. I think it's much better. The last chapter was kind of a filler chapter. Sorry. Anyways, enjoy!**

I released the silver fork from my hand, letting it clang down to the plate. I let out a sigh.

"Darry," I said, "You really don't have to sit here and watch me eat."

It had been about a week since I'd got home from the hospital. I had been staying home from school the entire time, and it seemed like there was always someone at home with me. I was never alone. Even when Darry and Soda were at work, there was someone. Usually Two-Bit, but there was one time when Steve came over and we just hung out. It was quite awkward, actually. We really didn't say much to each other the entire time, just sacked out in front of the TV. We small-talked a little. Apparently Tim Shepard and his crew had hit up a local drug store, bashing in the windows and other vandalism. And apparently everyone knew that it was them except for the drug store owner. Figure that.

"I'm not," Darry said, turning a page in the newspaper.

I got up and looked over his shoulder, "Yeah? Since when do you read the wanted ads?"

I had meant it as a joke punch through his alibi, but when I saw Darry stiffen up I looked down at my socks. "Did you get fired because you had to stay with me at the hospital?"

He reached over and patted me on the shoulder, "Nope. I haven't been fired…Yet, anyways. But I heard they're cutting back people, and well, I just want to be ready in case."

In case…In case he got fired. I looked at him and shook my head, "You won't get fired."

He looked at me like he was about to say something, but I went on, "That won't happen. You're one of their best workers. They can't afford to lose you. They won't fire you. I know it."

Darry grinned at me, "Sure little buddy. Thanks."

I nodded decisively and went to finish the last bit of egg left on my plate. I was real glad that Darry and Soda weren't trying to shove three huge chickens down my throat, they were letting me go at my own pace. This morning I had two and a half eggs. Which granted, wasn't the best thing ever, but it was a start. I was still having trouble eating. After a meal, the food sat in my stomach like a cancerous lump. It would make me uncomfortable for a few hours, and then Soda would catch on and distract me with something.

"You're going back to school tomorrow," Darry said quickly, as if I might not notice what the words he said meant.

"I'm what?" I asked as I got up to rinse off my plate.

"Going back to school tomorrow," Darry said, this time slower. He smiled a bit, "Sorry kiddo. I just…You can't stay home forever."

My first reaction was to scream "Can so!" at the top of my lungs. But I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Can't I have one more day off?"

Darry shook his head, "No. I'm sorry Pony, you have to go back tomorrow. Don't worry about it, it'll be okay. Things are gonna be getting back to normal real soon. Just watch."

I didn't respond, just continued to wash my plate of the bits of egg clinging onto it.

"Hey Soda," I said, plopping down on the couch next to him.

"Hey," he said, giving me a small shrug. He was in his DX uniform, the top button of his shirt missing.

"I'm taking you to see Dr. Pyke today," Soda said, "Before I go to work. We should leave in about twenty minutes, so go get dressed."

"Sure," I said. But for some reason I didn't move, "Hey Soda, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?" He asked, staring into my eyes.

I shrugged, "Are you okay?"

He gave me one of his famous grins, "Sure I'm okay. What would make you think I wasn't?"

"I dunno," I said, shrugging again, "I just…"

"Don't worry about me Pony," he said, wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug. He then rolled me off the couch and jumped on top of me.

I yelped in surprise and tried to get up, but he had me pinned. He grinned down at my face, making me laugh.

"What are you doing?" I demanded.

"Beating you up," Soda said, rapping his knuckles on my forehead.

I was about to tell him to get off of me, but then he started to tickle my sides. I screamed with laughter and protest, wiggling around, now desperate to break free.

After a few minutes, Soda let up. "C'mon," he said, "You'd better get dressed." He grabbed my wrist and hauled me up to my feet. I was still laughing a little bit. He shook his head at me.

"You're crazy Ponyboy," he said.

"Yeah? Well look who I got for a brother."

"That's not a nice thing to say about Darry!"

I laughed and went into my room. I emerged back out about two minutes later in a plain pair of blue jeans and a red shirt.

"Let's go!" Soda said gleefully. "Bye Darry!"

"Bye!" Darry hollered from the other room.

Soda and me headed out to the car. Soda turned the radio up ear-splitting loud, bopping his head to the beat. Soon we pulled into the driveway of the building that I saw Dr. Pyke in.

"Darry's gonna pick you up," Soda said with a nod of his head, "I'll seeya later kiddo."

"Bye. Thanks for the ride, Soda," I said with a wave as I exited the car.

I watched Soda speed off and then I turned around and went inside the building in front of me.

The waiting room was always nice. It wasn't like sitting in a hospital waiting room. Not at all. There were pictures over the bright, white walls, an aquarium full of neon colored fish, the chairs were comfortable to sit in, and the tables next to them were lined with magazines. I was flipping through one, studying the people in them. There was an ad for Coca-Cola that caught my eye in particular. It was rather simple, just a guy holding the glass bottle to his lips. He was clean shaven, and wore black jeans, a white shirt, and a black tie. The caption at the bottom read "Ahhh, refreshing." It was kind of a lame ad, if you ask me. Which is probably why I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It bugged me.

"Hello Ponyboy."

I looked up and met the familiar eyes of Dr. Pyke. I rose, "Good morning."

He nodded, "Shall we?"

I returned his nod and followed him as he went down the hall, then taking a sharp turn into his office.

Therapists offices are always described as having a big cozy chair that the doctor sits in, and then a long, brown, leather couch for the patient to sit in. But Dr. Pyke's office just had three enormous arm chairs in it. Two side by side, and one behind a desk. I settled myself into one, and he sat into the one across from me, behind the desk. He flipped open his official looking notebook.

"So, how are you doing today?" He asked me.

"I'm pretty good," I said with a nod. I watched him, and then blurted, "What do you write in the notebook of yours?"

He chuckled, making his mustache twitch, "You know, it really doesn't have anything to do with what you say. It's all for insurance." He must have seen a confused look on my face because he went on, "For instance, if you were to go out and commit murder or something, the insurance could give the police these files, looking over your treatment. Whether or not I predicted you were in a violent mood or not. But the actual content of what you say isn't written down."

I nodded, "Cool."

"Very," he agreed, "Is there anything new going on?"

"Darry's making me go back to school tomorrow," I said glumly.

Dr. Pyke smiled at me, "He is, is he? I'm sorry. You don't feel ready yet, I take it?"

"No. I don't want to go back."

"You do know Ponyboy, you won't ever be ready to go back to school."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, it's going to be hard, no matter how long you wait. You just have to do it. It's like getting a shot. The anticipation of it is worse than the actual impact."

"Okay," I smiled, "Thanks Dr. Pyke."

"Are you still smoking?"

The sudden change of subjects startled me out of a response. "What?"

"Are you still smoking?" He repeated.

"Well, I…" I thought about it for a few moments, "I guess not. I haven't had one in a long time. How come?"

"I was just curious," he said, "I find it odd that suddenly you just quit."

"Yeah, I don't know why."

I tried to think of the last time I had smoked a cigarette, but my memory failed me.

Dr. Pyke grinned, and then looked down at his watch, "Time flies, my boy. Don't forget that. A half hour is gone. I'll see you Wednesday."

"Bye Dr. Pyke." I said, getting up. Once I reached the door I paused and turned back around to face him, "Dr. Pyke?"

"Yes?" He said, watching me.

"So school will be okay?"

"I'm certain it will be."

"Okay, thanks," I said, "I just needed someone to tell me that." And then before I could feel foolish, I rushed outside to wait for Darry to come get me.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own it biznatch! –z snap- … -cough-**

**Author's Note: Whew. An update. Hoo-raaaw? Anyways, I'm not a big fan of where I ended this chapter, but whatever. Hope you like it. 3**

"C'mon Ponyboy, you can do it kiddo," Darry said, giving me a pat on the back.

I let out a small whimper, hoping to have Darry pity me and tell me it was okay to stay home one more day. No such luck. He just gave me a do-you-think-I'm-that-stupid kind of look.

I sighed, "Whatever," and slid out of the truck.

I waited until the truck was completely out of sight before I turned around. The school looked huge. I mean it. I bet they'd rebuilt it humongous just to freak me out. And if that was true, then boy did it work. I took a deep breath like I was going to jump in a cold pool and then walked up to the door. The door felt like it weighed a million pounds, but somehow I managed to crack it open wide enough to fit through.

I guess I thought it would be like the movies when someone goes away for doing something bad, when they reenter the school, everyone stops and stares. But that wasn't how it really was. Nobody even gave me a second glance. I slunk in and went to my first class of the day, math.

This time I did feel stares. Maybe it was because it was a smaller environment, so everyone knew who I was. I was worried they also knew why I was gone so long. I plunked down in a seat near the back. My teacher gave me a warm smile when she called my name on roll and I answered.

"Welcome back Ponyboy," she said, "Welcome back."

I didn't feel welcome, though I returned her smile anyway. A couple of times one of the huge Socs looked back at me. Every time I saw him do it he would smirk and turn back around. I didn't really think too much of it, even though it was a little nerve wracking.

"That's enough for today," I whispered to myself. I looked down at the notes I had taken and realized they didn't make much sense. Just random numbers scrawled all over. I got up and then walked outside.

I had walked about two blocks when I noticed the Soc from my math class trailing behind me with a couple of his friends. I picked up my pace a little bit, but must have known in the back of my mind it was no use. If they wanted to jump me, they could. I didn't even have a chance at running away. I was completely out of shape and they'd catch me in a second. The Soc grabbed my arm, "Where yah headed kid?"

When I didn't respond he socked me a good one in the side of the face. He spat at me, "Wuss. What? Not a man anymore? Stupid grease," he hit me again.

Without thinking I let out a whimper and his friends snickered, joining in with pummeling me. The 'leader' or whatever flattened me onto my back. He lit up a cigarette, making sure to strike the match close to my face. He then pulled up my shirt.

"We'll make a man outta you."

And then he started to use me as an ashtray. He stuck me with the burning end of the smoke. I let out a light scream and he merely laughed. After the smoke had been burnt to a nub, he got up and the Socs left, making sure to spit and cuss at me first.

I waited a few moments before getting up and walking the rest of the way home. I felt like a huge failure. And everything the Socs had said were right. The Socs and Steve. Because when you were tough nothing could touch you. Especially not Socs.

But on the walk home I realized it wasn't about Socs anymore. It was about me. The Socs hadn't changed. I had changed. But it was all under control now. I was going to get tougher. I wasn't going to let fear consume me.

When I got home I was surprised to see Steve sitting there. "Hey," I said.

"Hey." Steve said, turning away from the TV, "What happened to you? Your face's'all cut up. And whatcha doin' home so early?"

I shrugged. That seemed to suffice and he turned back to the TV. I went and plopped down in the big armchair, half watching the TV and half watching Steve.

"What?" He grunted at me.  
"Nothin'," I said. After a few moments pause I said, "Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Sorry."

"For what?" He asked, shifting to look at me.

"Don't worry," I said, "I ain't gonna be in the way no more."

"Ponyboy…" Steve said, now staring at me, "What do you mean?"

"Nothing."

"Well, you obviously mean something," Steve stood up," So spill it or I'll make yah."

I rolled my eyes, "Don't worry about it," I said confidently, but shrunk a little bit when he came closer, "Get away."

Steve grabbed the back of my neck and threw me to the ground. "You get one more chance," he said. When I just shook my head he jumped on top of me and pinned me down. He then started to tickle the crud out of me. I bit my lip as hard as I could, but I couldn't help but laugh. He stopped abruptly and let out a gasp.

"Ponyboy? What are these little marks on your stomach?"

I looked at him, and then down at myself, realizing how my shirt had gotten pulled up a bit. I grabbed it and shoved it down, "Ain't nothing." I said quickly.

"Are those cigarette burns, kid?"

"Don't tell my brothers, kay Steve? It ain't nothing. Really."

"Don't look like nothing. Get jumped on the way home?"

I nodded silently and then looked down, "A while ago I coulda taken 'em on. I just…I just…"

I felt a sharp sting on the side of my face and realized that Steve had slapped me. "What the hell was that for?" I sputtered.

His eyes glowered and he shook his head, "Goddammit Ponyboy are you hearing yourself? It don't matter none if you can or can't beat up some Socs." He stayed silent for a moment before starting up again, "Do you remember the time, right after Johnny and Dally died, when you threatened those Socs with that busted bottle? Yeah, and Two-Bit told you not to get tough and you picked up the glass pieces of the bottle? Ponyboy…You gotta understand."

"Understand what, Steve?"

"It's time to pick up the glass pieces again."


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders or anything affiliated with it in this story

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders or anything affiliated with it in this story. I am just a pathetic, mediocre writer of fanfiction.**

I pretended not to know what Steve meant. I looked away from him and shrugged my shoulders, a little bit irritated with him. Who was he to butt into my life? He hated me. Okay, maybe he didn't quite hate me, but I definitely wasn't his favorite person in the world. I was most likely near the bottom of the list.

I looked at the door, begging for it to open. This was the time for it to open. In all the books and movies, when there was an awkward scene like this, someone would burst through the door or the telephone would ring. Why wasn't that happening?

Instead of waiting for my savior to come and rescue me, I stood up and retreated into my room. I pulled out a pad of blank paper and a pencil. There were deep bite marks in the pencil, so it felt really funny to hold. But I was too lazy to scrounge around for another one. I dove onto the bed, doing a major belly flop, and started to draw. At first I was trying to draw Steve, since he was the last person I had seen and the way he was shaped was still fresh in my mind. However, I ended up making the face muscles to sharp and the ears too pointy. But I didn't want to waste paper, so I just decided to make up someone to draw, which is more difficult than it sounds. I drew the hair in wisps across the tense forehead, making it long and in the drawing's way. When I started to draw the eyes I drew a blank. I didn't want to get my colored pencils, but at the same time the eyes didn't seem right without color. Instead I left them blank. I'd fill them in later.

I sat back and held the drawing out in front of me. I then let out a cry of anguish and started ripping it. I had drawn a replica of Dallas Winston. This was out of control. He and Johnny showed up in my movies, books, conversations, thoughts, dreams, nightmares, and now they were trying to invade my one last sanctuary. What kind of joke was this? I hated it. I _hated_ it.

By now the paper was so small that it was impossible to rip it anymore. I looked at the little mound I had made and brushed it off onto the floor. I had to get Johnny and Dally off of my mind. Dr. Pyke would know how. I had to go see him. He was my last chance to get my life back. If I could get my life back.

I stood up and went out the door. I wasn't sure how I was going to get to his office yet, but I knew I had to do it. I stood at the bus stop, waiting. I suddenly wished I had a watch because I was certain that the bus was late. How long was I going to have to stand here? I couldn't be here anymore. I _had _to see Dr. Pyke.

I couldn't wait anymore. I started sprinting down the street. The wind was whipping my face, making my eyes water vigorously. I stopped after I was completely out of breath. Dammit. Dr. Pyke was still so far away. I sat on the curb and cradled my head in my hands, taking gasping breaths. Breathe Ponyboy, breathe. I looked up at the sound of a car door slamming.

"Hey kid, you need a ride?" The man was old. Really old. He was practically ancient. His skin looked like it had been folded over and over again a thousand different times so that it was so wrinkly that at any moment it might just rip in half. His orange suspenders brought his tan pants up his chest, like he was trying to hide inside of them or something. It took all the self-control that I had to not wrinkle my nose from his old person smell. You know, that mix of hard candy and soap and rubbing alcohol.

"Yeah, actually," I mumbled. He definitely wasn't my first choice to hitch from, but he seemed to be my only choice. I was certain that if I didn't see Dr. Pyke soon that I would go mad.

I clambered into his car and rattled off directions. He kept glancing at me while we were driving. I guess I couldn't blame him, I couldn't stop shaking. When he finally stopped in front of Dr. Pyke's office I nodded and thanked him before running inside.

"I need to see Dr. Pyke please," I begged the receptionist.

She pursed her lips without looking up at me, "Do you have an appointment?"

"N-no. But I really need to see him…"

She sighed and finally looked up to me. I must have been a mess because her lips softened and she nodded. "He has a free moment in a few moments if you just have a seat over there."

I nodded and followed her direction.

It seemed like ages until he came out of his office.

"Ponyboy are you alright?"

I nodded. Then I shook my head. Another nod.

"I dunno," I finally said, reaching tears.

Dr. Pyke strode over to me, placing his hands on my shoulders, "What happened?"

"Johnny and Dally are dead," I sobbed. I could feel the receptionist staring.

Dr. Pyke nodded, "Yes. They are Ponyboy."

I yelled and swung my arms around, knocking a ceramic lamp over. Dr. Pyke leaned down and grabbed my wrists as I bent over to pick up the glass.

"S-s-sorry," I mumbled, "Steve said I had to."

"Steve said you had to what?" Dr. Pyke asked, pulling a tissue from his coat pocket and dabbing one of my cut fingers with it.

"Pick it up."

"Pick it up?"

"Yeah, the glass."

"How did Steve know you'd break the lamp?"

"He knew," I said, "I'd already broken everything else."

"Ponyboy…" Dr. Pyke said, "How can I help you?"

"I…" Suddenly I felt like a fool. Why was I here? Had I expected Dr. Pyke to have some sort of magical cure? I guess so. I shook my head, "I don't think you can." He opened his mouth, but I went on, "Sorry for wasting your time. I'll pay for the lamp later."

"I don't care about the lamp," Dr. Pyke said, "Let me call one of your brothers for you to pick you up."

"No!" I said, "Please, I don't…I don't want to worry them."

"I think that they should be worried."

I bit my lip and hung my head.

"Ponyboy, you're not alone. Now or ever."

"I don't want to be alone," I said, the tears welling up again.

"You're not," Dr. Pyke said, pulling me into a hug.

My first instinct was to stiffen up. Greasers don't cry. Greasers don't hug. Greasers don't trust no one. But for that instant I wasn't a greaser, I was just a kid. So I returned the hug, weeping into his shoulder.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. S.E. Hinton? Yeah! She owns The Outsiders, yah dig?**

"Ponyboy, what can I do for you?"

That's when I said "nothing" quietly and then left. There wasn't anything anyone could do for me. Dr. Pyke called back out to me as I left his office, and I started at a sprint. Oh, geeze. Where was I headed now?

I couldn't go back home. Steve was going to tell Darry and Soda just how messed up I was. I couldn't face that. They'd be so disappointed. They thought that I was all better, but I wasn't.

My stomach reeled and I had to slow my jog. My legs felt stiff from not running every day and I felt like I'd pass out. I pushed myself up against the side of a building and closed my eyes. Deep breath. In. Out. In. Out. Okay, I was okay. In. Out. In…

The next out wasn't just a breath, but sticky vomit, too. All over the sidewalk.

"Ew," said a girl, stepping off the sidewalk and around me. She tossed another look at me over her shoulder as she left. Boy, that felt hot. She musta thought I was some sort of drunken idiot or something, puking in the middle of the day, in the middle of the street like that.

"Hey Curtis," I heard someone say behind me, "How's it hangin'?"

"Hey Curly," I said with a nod, "Not too shabby. How's yourself?"

"You look awful pale," Curly said, handing me a smoke.

"Thanks," I said, inhaling the cigarette, "It probably has to do with the fact that I just spilt my guts out all over the street."

He grinned, "Nasty."

I smiled a little bit, "Yeah."

Curly looked a mess. His left eye was dark and swollen, a little bit of a slit to see through, but not much. His lip was fat and when he ruffled his hair up I could have sworn it was just to show off the bit of earlobe that had been cut off.

"What happened to you?" I asked, using a low whistle to appreciate his damage.

"Ain't nothing compared to what happened to the guys who jumped me. That'll teach 'em." He said, pumping his fists in front of him like a boxer.

I grinned wide as he started to retell his fantasy tale. About how there were at least five guys and he popped a bottle of their heads and they pulled out a blade and yadda yadda. Knowing his brother, Tim Shepard, I'd believe that Curly could fight. But when he started talking about how he cut their tongues out, I was pretty sure he was taking me for a ride. I didn't call him out on it though. It was almost like listening to one of Two-Bit's far-fetched stories. You know it's a fake, but your mind is riveted and wants more. But when Curly went on to talk about the dirty things he'd done to the Soc's girlfriends after they were beat, I just knew I was turning red. And Curly pounced on it.

"Just a plain old baby Curtis, huh?" He poked fun.

"Shuddup," I said, rolling my eyes, "I could get some if I wanted some."

I could just see a dusty light bulb go off in Curly's head when he snickered.

"Oh yeah? Prove it," he said.

I raised both my eyebrows, unable to raise just one, "What do you mean?"

"Party at Buck's tonight. Whoever can get a girl upstairs first wins. Savvy?"

I frowned. I wasn't allowed to set foot near Buck's place, and it was one of the only rules that I thought Darry had some sense in setting. And I didn't want to go there now more than ever. I think if I was up in one of the bedroom's I'd be sick to my stomach all over again. And I hated the way Buck smelled. Having to wear one of his shirts was enough of him for a lifetime.

"You know I ain't allowed to even think about heading over there," I said.

"So?" Curly said, "Don't tell Darry."

"I dunno if-"

"Look Curtis. Either you show up, or I win by default." I stared at him, wondering if he really thought that a challenge would make me change my mind, but he went on.

"I mean, listen Curtis. Some girls compare you to your brother Sodapop who gets more action than a cheap whore with big baboons," I flushed, not liking Curly talking about my brother that way, but before I could interject he was talking fast again, "But you're just little ol' Ponyboy Curtis. Even if you caught a girl on accident you wouldn't know what ta do with 'er."

"Would so!"

"Prove it!"

"Fine, I'll be there," I said, stomping on the cigarette butt I let flow to the ground.

Curly grinned, and my stomach sank as I realized what I had just said, "Seeya Curtis. Good luck."

He turned around and headed back down the alley which he had came from. I watched after him for a couple moments before deciding I'd head home. I guess I could face my brothers now. I didn't think I had a fever or nothing, and the paleness of my face from throwing up sure had a lot of color in it now, even if just from embarrassment.

_A/N: Hey guyyyys. :] So uh, I was reading over the other chapters last night and I dunno if I'm just being self-critical or what, but do you guys think I should redo them? The content would basically be the same, just cleaned up a bit. I always think my writing's good when I first read it and then I read it again later and think it stinks._

_Let me know what y'all think. Thanks for reading!_


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: Nope, don't own it. Wish I did. But if I did, I wouldn't be sitting around here writing fan fiction. :]**

Oh crud.

The party swirled around me. I was flooded with Buck Merril, and greasers and the smell of booze. I looked around for Curly, but he was nowhere to be seen. I pushed forward through the crowd a bit, before deciding that this isn't where I should be. As much as I was avoiding it, I knew in the back of my mind that eventually I was gonna have to head home, and that delaying the inevitable was just going to frustrate my brothers even more.

"Hey Ponyboy."

I turned around to see who was calling me. It was a girl. I wasn't used to girls calling me. She had black blue hair that bounced down in perfect curls to her back. She was pretty to look at, but she looked like a doll, almost. Fragile to the touch.

I knew she wasn't, though. She was rough and feisty, just like her older brothers. I didn't even bother to fake a smile as I nodded my head in acknowledgement.

"Hey, Angela," I said.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, touching my shoulder.

I took a small step back, "I was actually just leaving."

"The party's just started!" She said, "Stay a little bit longer? For me?"

I took another small step back, "I-"

"Have to get home right now," I heard Two-Bit say behind me, and I just knew he was smiling wide, "'Cause he's sick in the head for makin' Steve get all worried about 'im."

I turned around and frowned up at him, "Whaddya mean?"

"I mean soon as me and Soda walk in the door, he's blubbering about you getting jumped and running off all spooked," Two-Bit said, ruffling my hair.

I chewed on my lip as Two-Bit steered me outside and into his car. I pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. Two-Bit rolled his eyes at me. And I waited, knowing it was coming.

"Why were you at Buck's?"

I frowned, noticing his slight slur, "Two-Bit, you drunk?"

"No," Two-Bit said, "I had a couple of drinks, but I'm okay to drive."

"You sure?"

"Golly kid, you act as if I'm falling over in the streets. Yeah. I wouldn't drive you if I wasn't okay."

I nodded, but he kept on, "So…?"

"It sounds stupid now," I said. I knew that my childish bet with Curly probably sounded stupid then, too, but I couldn't believe I hadn't fallen for it.

"Spill," Two-Bit said, bounding down the road.

"Me and Curly made a bet," I said.

"Ponyboy, you're redder than a sack of tomatoes," Two-Bit laughed.

"We bet on who could get a girl upstairs faster," I mumbled, looking at the floor.

Two-Bit didn't say anything, but when I looked over at him I wasn't too surprised that he was grinning. I knew that I was in for a mighty good ribbing from him.

"Ponyboy Curtis," he said, "Welp, did you win?"

"No, I had just gotten there."

"Good deal. You didn't bet anything, did you?"

"Nope."

"Good. Girls are a hassle. And if you ain't gonna get anything out of it, why bother?"

"You go out with girls all the time," I pointed out, not getting his point.

"Yeah. I get something out of it."

"What?"

Two-Bit started laughing, "Oh Pone. What were _you_ gonna do with that girl when you got her upstairs?"

I shrugged, "Talk or something. I dunno. I probably wasn't going to stay too long after I won the bet."

I didn't quite understand what Two-Bit thought was so funny, but he laughed all the way back to my house.

We had a story. I was at the library. And if Darry tried to sneak in that the library wasn't open this late, I'd say I was just reading right outside the library. I didn't know why Two-Bit was covering for me. He kept saying it was because I was such a funny kid. I still didn't get it really, but I wasn't going to argue neither.

Darry started in on me before I'd even closed the door. It wasn't like he was screaming at me or anything. But he was asking where I was, and if I was alright. Two-Bit finally convinced him that I was all in one piece.

"Right," Darry said, taking one last look at me, just in case any of my body parts had gone missing, "The library. Just…Come home after school next time, dig? Let someone know where you are?"

"Sure, Darry," I said with a small smile, "Sorry."

"Come on and get some food in you," he said, patting my back. I nodded and went into the kitchen.

It wasn't really that late. Seven o'clock. It seemed like a lot later. At least midnight.

I scooped up some food onto a plate and sat down at the table. My stomach churned in anxiety. I just had to pick it up and put it in my mouth. It was easy. I could do it. My hand didn't move.

"Ponyboy?" Darry said, looking at me.

I pushed the plate away, "I ain't hungry."

I could have told Darry that I was sure that Johnny and Dally had come back from the dead cause they were sick of being angels, for the look that he gave me. I sighed. It didn't matter anymore. It was always going to be broken. Things were never going to be the same again.

"Please eat, Pone," Darry begged.

I felt revolted at his words. I didn't want dinner, was that a crime? Every time I didn't eat a meal, was Darry going to flip out. I shook my head, part to myself, and part at Darry's request. I didn't want to do what everyone said I should do. Darry sighed and walked out of the room. I closed my eyes, thankful.

I stood up and went into my bedroom. Soda was sitting on the bed, waiting for me. He smiled and patted the spot next to him. I plopped down beside him and he mussed up my hair. His smile grew softer, and I knew he was going to say something that I didn't want to hear.

"You okay Pone?" He asked.

I nodded.

"Dr. Pyke called."

"Uhhh," I said.

"Feel free to revise your answer to the previously stated question." Soda's voice was lighthearted, but his eyes were honed in on me, watching me for any nervous twitch or giveaway.

"I was just freaked from being jumped, s'all." I paused, before coming to a realization, "You ain't told Darry?"

"Not yet, I wanted to talk to you first," Soda said, pushing some of my hair out of my eyes.

"About what?"

"About you, Ponyboy. I know you see Dr. Pyke, and you must talk to him, and all. But why can't you just talk to me anymore?"

I shrugged. _Because you'd think I was disgusting. Because you'd never be able to love me, or look at me the same way._

"Ponyboy, I love you. But I just don't understand."

I shrugged again, and rolled over, "I'm going to bed. G'night."

No one breathed for a few minutes. Finally the bed creaked, Soda lifting his weight off of it. He shut the light out, and left the room.

"Night, Pone."


	14. Chapter 14

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing.**_** Savvy? **

It had been a couple of days since my meltdown. A couple of days since my last meal. It had even been a couple of days since I'd been to school. Not that anyone knew the last two. I'm not quite sure how I managed to get away with either. Two-Bit would ask me why I hadn't been at lunch the past while, and I'd just tell him I was doing a history project in the library.

I knew someone would wise up soon. I was starting to lose weight again. And I was still seeing Dr. Pyke. He was a pretty smart guy, for a doctor. But I felt pretty confident, if nothing else.

I was in the shower, trying to get some peace and quiet. It wasn't working too well, as I could hear Steve and Two-Bit roughhousing in the living room. I massaged the shampoo through my hair, closing my eyes. The two decided to pick me up for school today. It would be a little bit harder to ditch them, but once we got there I was sure I could give them the slip.

When I opened my eyes, I noticed something weird on the floor. This reddish ball on the shower floor. It was matted, sitting on top of the drain. I reached down and picked it up. It felt like hair. It was hair. It was _my_ hair.

My empty stomach churned as I reached up to touch my head. I quickly turned off the shower and toweled dry. I opened the cabinet above the sink and rummaged through it until I found a handheld mirror. I held it to the back of my head, aiming it at the big mirror in front of me. I dropped the mirror to the floor.

"What the hell?"

There was a small bald spot on the back of my head.

I shut my eyes tightly. No way. My hair was what made me, me. My hair was everything. I had a hard enough time cutting and dyeing it in Windrixville. How was I gonna deal with losing it? Why was I losing it?

I shuddered, thinking of me bald. I pulled out the hair grease and smoothed it over so that the bald spot was invisible. There, problem solved.

For now.

"Two-Bit! Steve! Darry's gonna skin you both alive if you break something!"

Two-Bit looked my way and flashed a grin, "Don't worry about it none, kid. Me and Steve are real careful."

I rolled my eyes as Steve pushed out from under Two-Bit's hold and bopped him on the head. He then turned his attention to me.

"Sure took you long enough," he raised a brow, "What? You getting ready for a hot date or somethin' after school?"

Two-Bit howled with laughter. I'm sure he was remembering what had happened at the party a while ago.

"Whatever," I snapped bitterly, "You're one to talk. You can't even keep a girl."

Steve jumped up, almost as fast as Two-Bit did. Two-Bit grabbed Steve's shoulder, trying to keep him from lunging at me.

"Too far, kiddo," Two-Bit said, looking at me sternly.

"Yeah, well," I said slowly, "It's the truth."

Steve let out a long list of swear words and walked out of the house, letting the door bang behind him.

Two-Bit flinched, "Aw Pony. Why'd you gotta go and get him all riled up like that, huh?"

I shrugged. I hadn't really meant to. I had only been half thinking when it spilled out of my mouth. I guess Steve's break up with Evie was still a little bit too fresh.

"Well, ready for a fun filled day of education and books?" Two-Bit asked, trying to lighten the mood. I shot him a grin.

"Always."

We walked out the door and saw Steve, leaning against the car, smoking a cigarette.

"Finally," he said, rolling his eyes, "What the hell took y'all so long?"

I bit back the comment I wanted to say and shrugged, and got inside the car. Two-Bit laughed and got in beside me. He put his arm around my shoulders.

"Better watch out," he mumbled into my ear, "Steve's drivin'. Don't want him to have another temper tantrum while he's on the road." I chuckled.

Steve shot us a sharp look and Two-Bit bit his lower lip, feigning innocence.

When we got to school, I hung back, claiming I wanted a cigarette before I went inside. Steve shrugged carelessly and left. Two-Bit smiled cheerfully and waved to me jovially. I cracked a grin before lighting up.

Not all of it was a lie, I did have a cigarette. I just had to figure out where I wanted to go instead of school. Maybe I would head to the public library and read. I'd been meaning to read this book called East of Eden, by some guy called Steinbeck. My English teacher last year had recommended it to me.

I threw the cancer stick onto the ground and turned about, starting to head for the library.

"Ponyboy!"

I froze mid-step. I turned around and saw Steve cocking a brow at me.

"Where yah headed?"


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns the boys of The Outsiders. Also, I know those kinds of locks weren't invented until the 1980's. I don't especially care. **

"Where am I heading?" I repeated the question lamely.

"Yeah," Steve said sharply, "Skippin' class?"

I moved my jaw back and forth, knowing that my answer had to be genius to get out of this one. Words, that were usually my friend, were failing me.

"Well, let's go, then."

I blinked, "Go where?" Where was Steve going to take me? Back to school? To Darry? My homeroom teacher?

Steve was opening his car, and throwing his backpack inside. "Get in," he said, sliding into the drivers seat.

I still wasn't sure where this was going, but I figured my best bet was to just do what he said, so I got into the passengers side.

"Where are we going?" I asked again, as Steve started the engine and zoomed out of the parking lot.

But he didn't answer. He kept on driving. Past the Dairy Queen, past the drive in, through the train yards. This wasn't right. We were going too far out. We reached the town's edge.

"Steve?"

I looked at him. He was facing straight ahead, his facial expression stoic. Finally, he said something.

"Ponyboy, why are you acting so crazy?"

I shifted in my seat.

"You wanna know what I think it is?" He went on.

"Not really," I mumbled, looking down at my feet.

"It's because you got this weird ass idea that Dally and Johnny-" I heard the sharp breath I took, rather than felt it, "-died because of you. Like it was your goddamn fault or something. And you know something, Ponyboy? It wasn't your fault. You weren't in control of any of that. And you-"

"I know," I said quietly.

"What?" He said, making a sharp turn right, onto a road where I couldn't see any cars at all. It looked kind of familiar, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Maybe dad had taken us hunting here sometime or something.

"I know I couldn't control it," I said.

"Then what the hell's the matter with you?"

"You wouldn't get it."

"You know something Ponyboy? You're probably right."

"You gonna tell me where we're going?"

"No."

x0x0x0x0x

We drove in silence for what felt like hours. It wasn't, though. But I couldn't tell yah how long it actually was. But it wasn't till we were almost all the way there, that I realized where we were going.

"Steve, turn around. I want to go home."

We were slowly inclining up the hill. I couldn't see it yet, but I knew that as soon as I did, I would freak out.

"I mean it, Steve," I said, when he kept driving, "Either you stop this goddamn car, or I'm just gonna roll out of the car. I'll do it. I'll open the door and just jump out."

Steve turned his head and looked at me, eyebrows raised.

"I will Steve. I swear to God, Steve. I'll do it."

"Try it," he said, turning his head back to the dirt road.

I looked out the window and bit my lip, trying to convince myself that we weren't going that fast. We weren't going that fast.

I took a big breath, and then pulled on the car handle.

It didn't budge. I looked at Steve. He had a small smile on his face.

"Child safety locks."

I sunk down in the seat. I could see the roof of the church. I reached up and grabbed a fistful of my hair to pull on. It came out in my hands. I brought my hands down and looked at my hair. I started shaking.

I'm not really sure how long we were stopped before I realized it. I finally looked over at Steve, and he had his hands behind his head, and was looking at me. I immediately looked back down at my hands.

"What's in your hand?" He asked.

I deliberately did not look up. I knew that as soon as I looked up. . .Well, I didn't know what would happen. But I knew it'd be bad.

"My hair," I mumbled.

"Your what?"

"My hair. My hair. I'm almost fifteen years old and my fucking HAIR is falling out like I'm some old guy."

"Get out of the car, Ponyboy."

"I don't want to."

"I know," Steve put his hand on my shoulder, awkwardly.

We sat in the car for a couple more minutes until I finally said, "You ain't gonna go back home until I get out of the car, huh?"

"Nope."

"Ain't any way I can bribe you?"

"Not a chance. You don't got nothing I want."

I felt hot. Something that had been swirling around in the pit of my stomach was erupting up to my heart. I pounded my fists on the dashboard in front of me.

Steve got out of the car. I thought he was coming around to drag me out of the car, but he didn't. Minutes passed, until I finally looked out the window. He was sitting on the hood of a car, smoking a cigarette. I felt vomit shooting up into my throat as I saw the scene past him.

x0x0x0x0x

You'd think someone would have cleaned it up, but no sir. There it was. Charred, wooden timbers, stacked in an unruly pile on the dirt ground. Half of a burned up pew, lopsidedly sticking out of the rubble.

I slowly exited the car. I walked over to the remains of the Windrixville church. I started climbing through it. Sifting through the wooden mass. I'd see half of a cigarette package. A moldy piece of bread. My hands were turning black, and I felt like a thousand splinters were piercing my hands. But I couldn't stop. It had to be here. But it couldn't be here. It would have burned.

A white corner poked out of the wood. Well, white, stained with black. I hastily threw wood aside. I picked it up. It was half gone. All that it said was "ET MITCHELL." The end of the name to the author of Gone With the Wind.

Then I hurled. Boy, I hate throwing up. It hurt so bad. Just this pink fluid from my empty stomach. Then something was tugging on my upper arm. I stumbled over the wood, and then my knees buckled.

"C'mon, Ponyboy," Steve grunted, pulling me to my feet.

"I. . .I couldn't s-stop it," I said, tears pouring out of my eyes. I tried to wipe them away, but more just kept pouring out, "I w-was too weak to fight off those Socs, and then. . .then J-Johnny killed him. And then Johnny d-died, and I couldn't help him. Then Dally went, and I knew. I knew he-he was gonna do something dumb. I knew he had a gun. I knew, but I couldn't. . .I couldn't do anything to stop him. It just happened. I had no control over it. I couldn't. . ."

"Jesus, Ponyboy," Steve whispered. He slung an arm around me.

"I'm no good," I said, shrugging his arm off, "Bad stuff happens, and I can't control it. I'm. . .I'm bad. I'm poisonous."

"You listen to me, Ponyboy Curtis," Steve said. I just looked down at my feet.

He took my chin in his hand and forced my head up, so we were looking eye to eye.

"You listen to me, Ponyboy Curtis," Steve repeated, "You are not rotten."

"I-"

"Shut up. Ponyboy, you are not a rotten kid. Nobody could control any of that awful shit that happened to you. Okay? You got jumped by a group of Socs. It wasn't that you were too weak to fight them off. No one can take a group that big. Not even Superman. But just because you can't control that shit in your past, doesn't mean the only thing you can control is what you eat, or whatever fucked up idea you have. You're a smart kid, Pony. A _damn_ smart kid. Take control of your future."

The only sound after that was the sound of me, trying to suppress my sobs. Finally, when I had choked them all down, I said, "Steve? You're not as big of an asshole as I thought."

"Shut up," he said.


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders.**

The car bumped along at what seemed to be a much slower pace than before. I spent most of the ride home looking down at my lap, folding my hands one way, and then the other.

"I don't know how to do this," I mumbled.

"It's something that needs to be done. You'll figure it out, Ponyboy"

"So Steve. Does this mean you're always gonna call me Ponyboy? Y'know, instead of just 'kid'?"

"Shut up. _Kid._"

But I saw him bite down a smirk.

x0x0x0x0x

"I wanna be better."

"What does that mean to you, exactly?"

I thought for a moment. "I want to eat. I want to be healthy."

Dr. Pyke leaned back in his chair and looked over his glasses at me, "Anything else?"

"I want to wake up in the morning and feel good about myself. I want to know that there are things in life that I can do. I want to know that life isn't. . . Isn't worthless. Pointless."

"Do you think life is pointless right now?"

I dug my fingernails into my thighs. I could feel it sting, despite the protection of my jeans. Did I think life was pointless? Well, if I couldn't control anything that happened to me, did that mean that all the pain and suffering that I had gone through, and could potentially continue to go through was really for nothing.

"I dunno."

"You don't know?"

"I don't know."

"Ponyboy, what kinds of things in your life do you have control over?"

"What?"

"Make me a list."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"Uh, okay," I said, feeling like a kid told to read aloud the first day in class, "I have control over my grades? And." But then I drew a blank.

"Is that it?" Dr. Pyke said, his eyes booring into me.

"I mean, I can control what I do. Like exercise and homework and stuff. But I can't control other people."

"You couldn't control Johnny or Dallas."

"No."

"Or your parents."

"Right."

"And that scares you?"

"Yes."

I swallowed, waiting for Dr. Pyke to say more. But he didn't. He just looked at me, as though waiting for _me_ to say something.

"I can't keep Darry or Soda or Two-Bit or even Steve safe. I can't keep anyone safe. I don't want to be here without them. I'm not sure what I would do if something happened to them."

I wiped at my eyes furiously to keep tears from leaking out. I felt hot and stupid and embarrassed. Just like a little kid.

"I know it's stupid and selfish to want to be able to control other people," I said bitterly, "I just can't help it. I wish I could keep my family in my pocket. Or move them out to the country and keep them isolated and safe. And it used to be okay. Like, my parents died because someone else was irresponsible. Johnny got beat up by drunks. Other people were responsible. I mean, it wasn't fair and I was sad, but it made sense. Other people are dangerous. But Johnny died doing something so good, so heroic, so goddamn gallant. I mean, what's that say about life? About God? That he could take somebody who never did nothing bad. Just make them go away. I don't care that Johnny and Dally are in a better place. I wish he was here. I know that's awful. It's an awful thought. It's selfish and stupid and I'm probably going to go to Hell for thinking it, but I can't help it."

I really was crying by this time. I felt thoroughly disgusted with myself, too. I never deserved any of my friends or my brothers. I knew that Johnny was up in Heaven, walking and running and playing football, and that if he had lived he would have been stuck inside all day and miserable. But it just didn't make me miss him any less. It didn't make me feel any better.

"Ponyboy, it is extremely natural for you to feel this way. I would be much more worried about you if you were happy Johnny and Dallas were in Heaven. It's okay to miss your friends. It's okay to worry about your family. It's _okay._ What isn't okay is to hurt yourself because you're upset. Your brothers think the same way about you. They wish that they could protect you from anything bad ever happening. But Ponyboy, they can't. Pain is a part of life. Overcoming it is the other part."

"What's the point?"

"I'm afraid that I can answer that for you, Ponyboy. That's something that you have to answer for yourself."

"I thought you'd say something like that. How psychiatrist of you."

I said it a little snarkier then intended, but Dr. Pyke just smiled at me.

"Have you Mizuta Masahide?" He said, standing up and going to his bookshelf.

"No. Who's he? Some Chinese guy?"

Dr. Pyke laughed, "Close. Japanese. A seventeenth century samurai, and poet, that studied under Matsuo Basho. One of his poems, a haiku, goes like this:

Since my house burned down  
I now own a better view  
of the rising moon."

He was flipping through pages of a book. Then he would put it back and flip open a new one.

"You like poetry, don't you, Ponyboy?"

"Yeah, I do." _You're gold when you're a kid, like green._

"What do you think that poem means?"

_When you're a kid everything's new, dawn. _"Um. Can you repeat it?"

He obliged.

_Like the way you dig sunsets, Pony. That's gold._ "It sounds like even though his barn burned down, he's taking the good thing out of it, which is that he can see the moon."

"Ponyboy, I would agree with you. Here," he said, handing me a journal sized book with nothing on its plain, brown cover, "Read through this later, okay?"

"Sure," I said, sticking into my backpack.

"Same time next week, Ponyboy?"

"See you then, Dr. Pyke."

_Keep that way, it's a good way to be._

x0x0x0x0x

"Hey Ponyboy, how was school today?"

I shut the door of the truck behind me, "Fine," I said.

Soda smiled and ruffled my hair up, "Ponyboy, you're a good kid."

I just looked down at my feet as he started the truck. We drove in silence for a few minutes, and I could feel Soda tense up.

"Pony, are you o-"

"Soda, I've been skipping school."

Soda glanced his eyes off of the road to meet mine, and then looked back, "You have?"

"Yeah. I'm really sorry. I just couldn't deal with it, I guess. I know that's kind of a copout answer, but I don't really have any other way to explain it. I was just trying to get away from my sadness, and my brain was so focused on not thinking about sad things that I couldn't think about English and math and stuff."

"Ponyboy-"

"Wait, Soda, I ain't done yet." I took a deep breath in and when I let it out, more tears rand down my cheeks. Just great, like a blasted pansy.

"We just. . .We've had so many bad things happen to us, you know? And I just felt like I'd break if anything else happened. I love you and Darry to bits. And I care an awful lot about Two-Bit and even Steve. But I wanna make y'all proud. I wanna get good grades and be real smart and make something of myself. Do something. Maybe I can't keep us safe from everything, but I can do the best I can do right now, you know? I'm real sorry about everything, Soda. I'm gonna do better. I promise."

I had been looking at the ground again, and hadn't even realized that Soda had already pulled into the driveway and stopped. I looked out the window, and then at Soda, who was staring hard at me.

He leaned across the seat and hugged me. He hugged me so hard I thought maybe we'd be fused together forever.

"Soda," I said finally, "You're squashing me."

"I don't care," he said stubbornly, still holding onto me tight, "You are really a good kid, Ponyboy. A really good kid."

He pulled away, and I looked at him, feeling so tiny, "I'm still scared, Soda."

"Me and Darry are gonna be here for you kiddo."

"Am I going to be okay?"

The question came out childish and small, but Soda just gave me one of his charming, reassuring smiles and slung an arm across my shoulders.

"Kiddo, you're going to be just fine."

x0x0x0x0x

"Ponyboy, you in here?" The door to my bedroom swung open and Darry peeked in on me.

"Yeah, just finishing homework."

"Alright, dinners just about ready."

"Okay, be right out."

Darry started to close the door, and then opened it again.

"Ponyboy?"

"Mmhmm?"

"Love you, little buddy."

I looked up from my math and smiled at him, "Love you too, Dar."

As he closed the door, I started to shove my books back into my backpack. I felt the book that Dr. Pyke had given me, and I pulled it out and flipped it open.

On the first page were two poems, both by Matsuo Basho:

_With every gust of wind,  
the butterfly changes its place  
on the willow._

And then below it:

_When the winter chrysanthemums go,  
there's nothing to write about  
but radishes._

I turned the page but there was nothing on it. Or the next page. I flipped through the whole book, but all of the remaining pages were blank. I grabbed my pen and began to write.

"When Johnny and Dally died, at first I felt completely hopeless. At a couple of times I even wondered if their deaths were my fault. But I know it's not."

Fin


End file.
